Homesickness, history, and holding on.

There's no beauty this week

People keep texting me, saying how lucky I am to be in London right now. But I’ve genuinely never felt more homesick. There’s a particular ache that pulls you back to the place you’re from, especially when those you love are suffering. It’s almost unbearable to be so far from them, knowing they’re facing fear and uncertainty under a looming threat to their very existence and basic rights. I’m sure many of you feel, or have felt, this same longing.

I “woke up” on November 6th, having slept only two hours. I wasn’t shocked by the election results—how could I be?— but I felt drained, despondent, and numb. My anxiety leading up to the election was so bad that I hadn’t left my apartment in days, and I knew I needed to get the fuck out to avoid doomscrolling. It was an especially miserable, grey day here, but my impulse was to throw on a coat, slide into my uggs, and take a bus to the National Portrait Gallery in town. With puffy eyes, I spent hours looking at paintings, specifically at portraits of historical figures like King Henry VIII, Napoleon, Oliver Cromwell and King Charles I—polarizing, ruthless, power-hungry men who disrupted the stability of their nations and in some cases, endangered the very people they claimed to defend. I felt like I was looking history directly in the eye. Each portrait served as this terrifying reminder of unchecked power…but also undeniable evidence of our resilience and capacity to recover from even the most harrowing moments in history. I can’t say my museum trip cheered me up, because it didn’t, but it was one of the few things that managed to pierce through my hopelessness and offer some kind of comfort.

I can’t bring myself to write about beauty right now. But I can encourage you all to prioritize self-care—not the version that’s been co-opted and sold to us, or even the way I may have used it in the past. I mean self-care in the sense Audre Lorde intended when she said, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” So rest and take social media breaks when you need to. Journal, talk to your therapist, call / hang out with the friends or family who make you feel supported and understood. Do not feel bad about setting boundaries with those who don’t, especially right now. Most importantly *inhales* let’s start thinking deeply about how we’re going to create, organize, and advocate for real change. Because fuck this.